Three Habits Leaders Need to Cultivate
The Marian Paradox
Marian was a brilliant and challenging educator. Her brilliance in the classroom was undeniable, and most students were excited to learn from her. But their admiration was also tinged with fear. Disappoint Marian, and it’s game over, followed by a long path to wend your way into in her good graces.
It wasn’t just students who grappled with Marian’s presence and power; colleagues loved and feared her, too. Marian’s colleagues acknowledged her brilliance, but they weren’t immune to her sharp edges. In department meetings, she flaunted her intellectual superiority, leaving others feeling inadequate. Some even lodged formal complaints, accusing her of bullying. Mediation sessions with Human Resources followed, but Marian only made short-term changes. Soon enough, a frustrated colleague would meet with the leadership team, questioning why the school tolerated her presence while others lauded Marian for her no-nonsense, no-BS style. And if Marian caught wind that you might have said something behind her back, it was game over for you, too.
Every year, as contract renewal loomed, Marian would waver on whether she was going to return. She loved teaching, but her values clashed with the school’s philosophy and approaches to teaching. For several years running, when employment agreements arrived, Marian invariably requested an extension, seeking a few more days for contemplation. “Can I just have a little longer?” she’d ask, her uncertainty palpable.
While Marian wavered, the leadership team deliberated about whether or not to post her position; she taught niche electives, and finding a replacement was an enormous investment. And every year, like clockwork, as leadership pondered new possibilities, Marian submitted her agreement a few weeks beyond the deadline. “There aren’t other schools I like out there,” she’d say, resigned. She’d stick it out for another year, bridging the gap between her approaches and the institution’s ethos.
I worked with Marian for years. We weren’t in the same department, so I watched from a distance as I heard folks revere and revile her. And when I shifted from Marian’s peer to her supervisor, I grappled with what I called the “Marian Paradox.” Yes, her brilliance was inarguable. I found our meetings pleasant, always knowing exactly what Marian was thinking. But Marian’s abrasiveness lingered in the aether and undermined school culture. I was a little afraid of her wrath, too. The delicate balance between nurturing talent and addressing misconduct weighed heavily on me. I needed to be thoughtful in my approach not only to Marian, but to the policies and practices that sanctioned these actions to begin with—actions that fostered a culture where one wrong move meant game over. I decided to offer new approaches to counter these familiar patterns.
New Leadership Techniques to Counter Old Patterns
First, I decided I was going to make some revisions to the employment renewal/hiring process, one of which was holding firm to the employment agreement deadline and posting positions if agreements weren’t submitted on time. I also decided to include more check-ins with teachers throughout the school year, from formal goals sessions to informal drop-ins. I wanted to be proactive in my approach to climate and culture—to check in with how folks were doing—rather than reactive when a rupture occurred.
When reviewing prior employment agreements and hiring practices, there wasn’t clarity on policy. I couldn’t blame Marian for thwarting a process that wasn’t clear, but I also saw her take advantage of the situation. I worked with HR, the school principal, and department chairs on setting clearer parameters for policies and for teacher check-ins, to shift beyond check-ins as disciplinary to check-ins as routine habits for assessing teacher well-being. Through collaboration, we built new policies we then shared with the community.
As these shifts were made, I thought about the kind of leader I would need to be: a balance between transactional (upholding policy) and transformational (centering equity and humanity along the way)—someone who was decisive, who held the school’s culture and values in mind, and who remained equity and fair-minded, or at least tried to.
I thought about the relational skills I’d need in conversations with colleagues, while also being cognizant of my power throughout this process, such as when I was using warm demander types of power and relational forms of power.
I also needed some guardrails as I enacted these new practices, in the form of feedback from trusted mirrors. I needed to know what I was doing well and where I needed to course correct so that I could be accountable for my actions. With these reflections in mind, I set off on my plans.
Three Habits Leaders Need to Cultivate
I always used to be wary of leaders who wanted to be my friend more than my supervisor. I was suspect of comments like, “My door is always open. You can talk to me about anything.” While leaders may believe these words were true, it’s too much of a gamble for those who have less positional power or authority, especially if relationships haven’t been attended to. I was equally worried about leaders who were all action and no deliberation, who put meetings on my calendar without any notice, and who only made decisions in a vacuum.
When roles aren’t clarified, when power goes unaddressed, and when leaders don’t consider the impact of their actions, trust breaks down and psychological safety gets compromised, deepening the divide between supervisor and supervisee.
I’ve seen this happen a lot in schools and organizations. The most well-meaning and the most fear-inducing leaders have little idea how they come across. Their low self-awareness and/or misuse of power has ripple effects.
This is why I advocate for three habits leaders can cultivate so they can be more effective in their roles:
Know what kind of leader you are being
Know how you’re using power
Ask for feedback
Know What Kind of Leader You Are Being
Different situations call for different types of leadership. Someone who is a consensus-builder can’t always be democratic; someone who is more authoritarian is going to lose trust if they can’t be more relational. Evaluation processes might mean more transactional forms of leadership; change management might require more transformational practices. In any situation, consider the following questions:
What type of leader do I need to be in this moment?
Why is that the case?
For those who need a starting point, the following table offers types of leadership that draw from a range of researchers and studies that underscore each type. This post focuses on key dispositions of leaders drawing from enneagram work and organizational psychology. Whatever your starting point, think before you lead.
Know How You Are Using Power
Grounded theory researcher Brené Brown writes, “We can’t understand leadership if we don’t talk about power.'' In her Dare to Lead work, Brown draws upon thousands of studies and the work of Just Associates to articulate the ways leaders can use power skillfully (also known as power with/to/within), some of which include the following actions:
Believe that power becomes infinite and expands when shared with others.
Leverage connection and empathy to unite and stabilize. Value decency as a function of self-respect and respect for others.
Center connection and humanity with empathy-driven agendas, policies and values.
In their book DEI Deconstructed (2023), author Lily Zheng refers to the work of Norbert Elias (2008) in articulating the types of power that are often used in workplace interactions. Types of power and accompanying examples include the following:
Type of Power and Examples
Formal power: the right to request behavior from another
A supervisor asking a supervisee to do a specific task
Evaluation of colleagues
Reward power: the ability to promise (monetary or nonmonetary) compensation to influence behavior
Providing bonuses for outstanding work
Time back as compensation
Public or private appreciation for one’s work
Coercive Power: the ability to threaten punishment to influence behavior
An improvement plan for someone who is underperforming
The threat of removing something unless behaviors/actions change
Expert Power: the ability to influence behavior by possessing greater expertise or ability
Being an authority on a certain topic
Focus group conversations that draw on a particular group’s experiences of funds of knowledge
Information Power: the ability to influence behavior by possessing greater information
Individuals who possess up-to-date knowledge or access to resources on a given topic to help solve problems
Referent Power: the ability to build rapport and influence behavior through charisma
A mediator who can navigate complex relationships to achieve a shared outcome
A trusted colleague who is well-liked and respected supporting others through a challenge
Like different styles of leadership, the use of power is situational. For example, a transactional leader might use reward power and offer incentives to teammates to take on additional duties. An authoritarian leader might need to use coercive power in the midst of a public health crisis. A democratic or transformational leader might use referent power to build community and draw upon relationships to move their site forward on new plan to shift culture.
When a leader has awareness of how they are using power, they will be more skillful, and hopefully, more intentional in the actions they take, considering not only what they’ll do, but why.
Ask for Feedback
Even the most self-aware leaders might not recognize all the ways their leadership is having an impact. In their book Thanks for the Feedback (2015), authors Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone advocate that people “find their mirrors,” those who will give honest, useful feedback for learning and growth. Leaders need these mirrors, especially in trickier situations, whether from trusted co-workers on the leadership team or supervisees who won’t shy away from being direct. The following are some possible questions leaders can ask their trusted mirrors to assess the impact of their leadership:
How would you describe my leadership style for this situation?
What did I do well? Why was that the case?
How did I miss the mark? Why was that the case?
What is one thing I can do better as a leader?
While it can be daunting to ask for this kind of feedback, it is an essential part of leadership. Some feedback may sting. But the consequences of not asking for feedback can be too great, further damaging workplace culture. When leaders ask for and act on feedback on a more frequent basis, leaders become more easily able to integrate that feedback; over time, staff take notice and trust increases.
The Three Habits Meet Marian
With Marian, I balanced transactional and transformational leadership types. I also strived to relate to her with clarity and authenticity. I knew Marian wasn’t a warm and fuzzy type, so the idea of any kind of check in seemed like a waste of time to her. At the same time, I was able to talk with Marian about the delayed contract pattern I noticed. I asked what drove the delay and whether she was aware of the impact on the school when she withheld her agreement. I gave her several months advance notice on the new policy in hopes she would comply.
I also was direct with Marian about her mixed reputation, and her response was terse. “Not everyone needs to like me,” she responded. “I am just here to teach kids.”
In that same conversation, I shared with Marian that I’d be asking for feedback on my leadership, and that I valued her directness and candor. “Well, you haven’t pissed me off yet, so I guess that’s good,” she responded. I thanked her for her honesty. Our interactions were benign at first, and Marian’s more abrasive behaviors stayed under the radar for a while. Until they didn’t.
About a month before employment agreements were due, I gave teachers notice that if they weren’t going to return, to let me know in advance. Three teachers shared they weren’t returning. One was going on parental leave in the fall. Marian was silent.
Three days before her agreement was due, Marian’s department chair came to my office. “I know this is going to sound obvious,” she started, “but Marian wants an extension on her agreement.”
“Why doesn’t she ask me directly?” I asked the department chair.
“She thinks it’s my job to advocate for her,” she responded, “because of this new and unfair policy.”
Ah, I thought. I guess it’s game over for me now.
The Friday agreements were due, I didn’t see Marian’s. The following Monday, positions were posted.
Expect Non-Closure
I could go on longer with the sordid details about Marian and the fallout from this experience, but the gist is this:
Marian was angry; she campaigned among colleagues about how unfair I was and prompted several to tell me directly
I checked in with my trusted mirrors for feedback about what I could have done differently; they said I might have wanted to solicit broader input before making policy changes.
Marian and I finally met; she expressed her disappointment in me.
Marian found a new job where she was much happier; we hired a newer and less experienced teacher in her place, someone who loved the school and was excited to learn and grow.
Feedback on my leadership was largely positive; and I was given thoughtful suggestions for what to improve.
Meanwhile, the world went on. Summer came. Students graduated. Teachers left for break. And I reflected on lessons learned in a first year of leadership.
Not all experiences will culminate in a neat and tidy outcome, because life doesn’t work that way. We’re all messy in some way. That mess becomes a problem when a leader is unaware of who they are being, how they are acting, and their impact on others. In terms of my own messy self, I may not have been the most stellar leader in my first year, but I was proud of my successes in relationship-building. I learned to sit with the discomfort of disappointing people. I enacted some policies that were more fair and equitable, and I learned to make different choices about decision-making and policy going forward.
With more deliberate habits and intentional actions, leaders will hopefully take responsibility for who they are in each situation, be skillful with power, inspire more people, fumble with grace, and meet the demands of their roles with thoughtfulness and humility.
What habits are most important for you as a leader?
